Sunny Days

It's an odd place to be in, the place we're at right now with Leo. He's - for the most part - normal. It sort of quietly arrived at our doorstep without much fan fare...this new "normalcy" we're experiencing. And I guess our version of normal would not be other parents' version of normal. But for us he may as well have never been in the hospital for how far from that he is today. But of course he was in the hospital, so the moment I think something like that I'm immediately reminded of darker days. But enough of that, he's thriving. Growing. Eating. Sleeping through the night! Smiling. Lifting his head during tummy time. Did I mention growing? Width-wise not length-wise unfortunately for him. He's going to his weekly physical therapy appointments, and doing very well. They think he should be done with that likely in a few weeks. The speech therapist, in particular, is certain he's all set on the feeding front. No more of the issues he was having before of sputtering and breathing too hard when taking a bottle. And the pediatric urologist is going to see him next week for a consult on the whole circumcision thing. So we could potentially be all done with antibiotics and UTI worries very soon.

But it does sort of throw me for a loop when I realize he's doing so well. Do I know how to be his Mom without all the scary bits? I know how to deal with the hospital stuff, the tests and doctors' reports, the language of his history. I've excelled at the management of his medical stuff. But can I excel at the regular stuff? I don't say it to elicit insincere praise. It really is the thought that comes into my mind every once in a while. How are we supposed to handle this transition of parenting? Away from the chaos and into the quiet. My more critical voice says "what the hell's wrong with you, enjoy it, this is what you were praying for!" And of course we are happy. I think that goes without saying. But when I really get quiet and think about the whole crazy business of our time with Leo, these are the thoughts that come in sometimes. And it's OK. I think that's my new favorite phrase I tell myself. It's OK. Feeling unsure about things? That's fine. Feeling too worried to relax and enjoy how well he's doing right now? OK. Feeling like you can't even remember the scary times? That's OK too. It's all OK. And we'll figure out this new place we're in, just like we did before.