More Lessons...

So first, a quick update on the little man. He's up to 12 pounds now! And he had his snip snip procedure last week and is doing well. We're just waiting for the, um, remnants to fall off and he'll be all healed up. We stopped the antibiotics too so Leo is, officially, for the first time EVER in his life - not on any medications!!! Woot! Part of me can't really relax and enjoy that because I'm convinced the infection will come back. Even though intellectually that is very unlikely now that he's been snipped. So I'll just ignore those thoughts...la la la la....I can't hear you!

Now onto today's rant. Well, it's not really a rant. More commentary than rant. Yeah that's it. Commentary. We watched "The Business of Being Born" last night. And yes, I can hear certain of my friends sighing and rolling their eyes right now. Yes, it was all of those things that those of us who have been through a less than perfect birth experience get annoyed with. The blanket statements about home births vs. hospitals, the chest-thumping pride that comes with a natural birth (who coined that phrase anyway? is there an un-natural birth??), etc., etc. So I found myself getting all pissed off at various points in the movie. And at the same time totally agreeing with them on other points! I do think C-sections are done far too liberally in our country and likely as a result of hasty interventions. I do think the medical establishment has a bias against midwifery and home births. I do agree that there is likely a correlation between our super high rates of c-section births and our shockingly high infant mortality rates. But of course these are only part of the story. And, as I've said before, any way in which that baby has come into your life and into your family should be celebrated. And, for some of us, there simply is no choice. A hospital saved Leo's life. Had we been going the home route, he likely wouldn't have made it. I wasn't even ever contemplating the home route so that's beside the point. But still. And I find myself getting annoyed all over again at this "all or nothing" approach. Why does one have to be so at odds with the other? Why can't both work together in the best interest of Mom and baby? Why are the people in these movies who advocate for one side or the other always such a caricature? The angry hippie pissed off at doctors, the callous doctor dismissive of the midwife. It was a little silly.

And then, at the end of the movie...an unexpected surprise. Rikki Lake's partner on the project, pregnant herself during the course of filming, planning a home birth - goes into early labor. And delivers 4 weeks early! And the baby's in the NICU! Is it insenstive to cheer at that? The baby was fine, home within a few days from the sounds of it. And I think what we were so excited about wasn't that this baby had come early, we're not total jerks or anything. But that they did a really nice job of showing how supported this woman was through this very unexpected turn of events. And they talked alot in the movie about supporting women. Support them in their use of midwives, insurance companies should support this choice, doctors should support it, etc., etc. And finally they showed another kind of support, the kind I think sometimes gets lost in these arguments of which way is better. How about supporting the women and families who find themselves in exactly these unexpected, traumatic and confusing situations. When the love hormones don't flow (this was another highly annoying part of the movie...watch out c-section ladies...you'll never bond with your baby!), when nothing is going as planned...or even partially as planned. Let's talk about supporting that. And they did! And in an instant I loved this movie. Because the reality is that there's no perfect way. And if we can remember that and support ourselves and others through whatever way works then I think we'll all be much better off.

Ok, so that was kinda ranty. Oh, and it's kind of funny that I'm talking about a movie that's like 10 years old or something. Way to stay current!

Sunny Days

It's an odd place to be in, the place we're at right now with Leo. He's - for the most part - normal. It sort of quietly arrived at our doorstep without much fan fare...this new "normalcy" we're experiencing. And I guess our version of normal would not be other parents' version of normal. But for us he may as well have never been in the hospital for how far from that he is today. But of course he was in the hospital, so the moment I think something like that I'm immediately reminded of darker days. But enough of that, he's thriving. Growing. Eating. Sleeping through the night! Smiling. Lifting his head during tummy time. Did I mention growing? Width-wise not length-wise unfortunately for him. He's going to his weekly physical therapy appointments, and doing very well. They think he should be done with that likely in a few weeks. The speech therapist, in particular, is certain he's all set on the feeding front. No more of the issues he was having before of sputtering and breathing too hard when taking a bottle. And the pediatric urologist is going to see him next week for a consult on the whole circumcision thing. So we could potentially be all done with antibiotics and UTI worries very soon.

But it does sort of throw me for a loop when I realize he's doing so well. Do I know how to be his Mom without all the scary bits? I know how to deal with the hospital stuff, the tests and doctors' reports, the language of his history. I've excelled at the management of his medical stuff. But can I excel at the regular stuff? I don't say it to elicit insincere praise. It really is the thought that comes into my mind every once in a while. How are we supposed to handle this transition of parenting? Away from the chaos and into the quiet. My more critical voice says "what the hell's wrong with you, enjoy it, this is what you were praying for!" And of course we are happy. I think that goes without saying. But when I really get quiet and think about the whole crazy business of our time with Leo, these are the thoughts that come in sometimes. And it's OK. I think that's my new favorite phrase I tell myself. It's OK. Feeling unsure about things? That's fine. Feeling too worried to relax and enjoy how well he's doing right now? OK. Feeling like you can't even remember the scary times? That's OK too. It's all OK. And we'll figure out this new place we're in, just like we did before.

Flexin'

The last 10 days have been chock full of activity. Where, oh where, to begin. Well for starters, Leo kicked the UTI. Hooray! And he had his big reflux test yesterday at Seattle Children's Hospital to see if his pee is shooting back up into the ureters into the bladder and therefore causing bacteria to grow...hence the UTIs. The procedure was quite something. They strapped him down on a table, literally strapped him down. He couldn't move, his arms were stretched up over his head and his legs were straightened out at the other end. They put a catheter up his wee wee and then shot dye up there so that they could see on the xray machine whether liquid was going out the exit, as it should, or creeping back up. I have to say, seeing Leo strapped down to a table, crying his head off, was as awful as it sounds. But he was a trooper and it certainly wasn't hurting him any, just a little disconcerting I would think. And about 10 minutes later - success! He does not have the reflux! All plumbing parts are working correctly. So this means the UTIs are a function of the turtleneck that he still has. After our trip to Children's we high tailed it over to Swedish to meet with his Urologist who was very pleased with how normal his parts are now...in the hospital they were very teeny tiny, but there was also, how shall I put this, extra material on the turtleneck. There was lots of swelling in the region too. But now things are looking normal and she thinks we can get rid of that turtleneck in another month or so. Yay! So he'll only need to be on a low dose of antibiotics for another few weeks and that's it. Relief.

And then today we had his big physical therapy assessment. We discovered, about a week ago, that his head is slightly misshapen...one side is flatter than the other which causes the ears on that side to sit farther back than the other side. You can't really tell until you look at the top of his head. It's kinda funny really. It's pretty minor stuff, easy to fix when you catch it this early, and it just means he'll be doing weekly PT for a while to correct it. The good news is that the therapist didn't see anything else that worried her about his development or milestones. He's going to be delayed on all the regular baby milestones, but we knew that already, and so we just need to remain patient. Having him in weekly therapy will also do wonders for catching anything else that may creep up. So we're feeling really positive about all of this.

It's easy to continue to be discouraged about all the never-ending treatment stuff Leo's dealing with. I cannot wait for the day when he's just a boring normal kid. But we are light years ahead of where we were in the hospital and I'm reminded of that constantly. The fact that all we're really dealing with at this point is a little physical therapy and an impending circumcision is a miracle to me. And it's weeks like this week where we saw just about every part of his medical team in the span of two days that I'm reminded of how fortunate we are to have him the hands of such capable, loving professionals. I'm really blown away when I sit and think about it. And, yet again, I'm grateful.