'Tis the season

And another month has gone by! Perhaps I should just accept it and plan on being a monthly poster...oh well.

And now for the month's recap: Leo is doing great! He had another follow-up with his kidney doctor including an ultrasound. And all systems are looking good. The kidneys have grown very nicely, his blood work is all good, no infections. And she doesn't need to see him again for six months. Woot! He's still got a little bit of calcification on one of his kidneys, which basically means he's got a stone. So we're upping his total liquid intake each day in an effort to flush it out. And apparently upping his milk intake is not a problem as he's happily guzzling down 8 oz bottles a few times a day.

Leo is also squarely in the world of solid foods now. He seems to be enjoying my homemade purees and tolerating the different tastes. His favorite is sweet potatoes...anything with sweet potatoes in it, in fact, he loves. I think we're going to start protein later this month, perhaps with a Thanksgiving puree of some sort.

It's hard to believe he's almost 8 months old! He's soooo teeny tiny compared to a regular 8 month old but to us he's a big 'ol chunk. He's up over 15 lbs and around 25" long. He's sitting up in his high chair really well and getting close to sitting up on his own. He loves to stand up and gets closer every day to rolling all the way over - he rolls onto his sides freely and with reckless abandon. He's grabbing toys, putting them in his mouth (along with his hands which he cannot keep out of his mouth) and laughing up a storm. I think he's also in the early stages of teething because the cheeks are flush (no fever), he's drooling and he's constantly gnawing on his fingers/hands. I think I felt something on his upper gum line this morning. We shall see. His physical therapist is happy with his progress and believes he'll meet all his milestones...just on a slightly lengthened schedule. And while Jay and I sometimes fall into the trap of comparing him to other babies and worry about the milestones, I think we're doing a good job of ignoring all of that for the most part.

This month also brought a reminder of how fragile things are as our friends from the NICU landed back in the hospital with their little boy who had caught a nasty virus of some sort. He was doing great too, thriving and growing. Happily, he's home now and recovering nicely. But it was a reminder to us that these little guys are simply more at risk for serious illness plain and simple. So Jay and I are loading up on our flu shots and pertussis vaccinations and keeping our fingers crossed as we head into winter. Don't be alarmed if you visit our home and are met at the front door with Purell...'tis the season!

Some really happy things happened this month too...aside from hearing Leo giggle and laugh out loud on a regular basis...which is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I had a wonderful birthday and celebrated with not one but three date nights with the hubs! Our friends welcomed their little boy into the world and they are settling into their new life together. He's beautiful, Mom is a champ, Dad is keeping it all together, and we're so excited for Leo and Palmer to get to know each other. On a totally unrelated and rediculously happy note, a dear friend of mine who was battling life-altering health issues this year has settled into a place of recovery and health - and while she was at it fell in love! He's a wonderful man, I've never seen her so filled with joy and it's been a lovely reminder that life can throw us a curve ball and sometimes it's the most awesome curve ball imaginable. It's also reassuring to see good things happen to nice people. Yay love!

So now we're heading into the holidays and I'm so looking forward to this year's festivities. Leo's first turkey day, christmas, snow (hopefully!) and celebrating with family and friends. This is my most favorite time of year and it'll be a challenge for me to not go completely ape-sh*& with baking and decorating madness. Weeee!

In The Swing of Things

Wow it's been a month since my last post. I'm starting to get even lazier with this blogging stuff. Oh well, no one can blame me if I go missing from time to time. It's been a big month for us. Leo started at daycare and all signs point to him not getting kicked out. Woot! He seems perfectly at ease in the care of our wonderful neighbor and I love the fact that I'm just a few doors down during the day. It always makes me laugh when I see how excited the other kids are at having Leo around. A baby really is the eighth wonder of the world as far as 3 year olds are concerned.

I also took my first work trip this month. I only teared up once! Success! It was an odd balance of emotions - happy to be getting more fully re-engaged with work and getting to see my colleagues after so many months, exciting launch activities, NYC energy, etc. But of course that was all tempered by the sadness that comes from leaving home. And even just seeing another baby on the flight out sent me nearly over the edge. And he was six months old too! And adorable! Ugh. But all in all I'd say I fared pretty well and it made coming home so much sweeter. Of course upon returning home I was quarantined from Leo thanks to the travel cold I picked up. Sigh. So I spent the next two days not touching Leo. Literally. We're so paranoid about him getting a cold that I just looked at him and constantly dipped my hands in a Purell bath while Dad continued to take care of all things baby. Thanks honey. Double sigh. But this very sad state did not last too long and a couple of days after my return I was back to snuggling. And then the doctor let me know that I could've actually taken care of him without worry. Just wash my hands she said. Good to know.

And amidst all of this month's activities Leo turned six months old! I cannot believe it. His six month well baby visit was a success, the doctor is happy with everything...he's finally on the weight chart for his actual age! Fifth percentile! Boo-ya! Of course he's not yet on the chart for height, but whatevs. He'll get there. He's very alert and getting moreso each day. He has fully discovered his hands but not so much what to do with them other than grabbing our faces and sticking his hands into his own mouth. He hasn't quite figured out that tummy time would be so much easier if he'd use his arms to help himself up. He's doing full-on yoga poses as opposed to just leaning on his arms. He'll figure it out I'm sure. And this is where we both have to just smile and be thankful for the progress he has made and not stress about things we've yet to see. The comparison to other babies is harder and harder to avoid given how great he's doing. We see another six month old sitting up unassisted and immediately feel dejected. And then we'll just remind ourselves that he's on his own timeline. It can't be rushed and all will work out in the long run, however it needs to.

We're getting excited for the holidays...I can't believe it's almost October. And thinking about Leo gazing up at the Christmas tree, eyes as big as saucers, instantly puts a smile on my face. Yep, we're in the swing of things now.

More Lessons...

So first, a quick update on the little man. He's up to 12 pounds now! And he had his snip snip procedure last week and is doing well. We're just waiting for the, um, remnants to fall off and he'll be all healed up. We stopped the antibiotics too so Leo is, officially, for the first time EVER in his life - not on any medications!!! Woot! Part of me can't really relax and enjoy that because I'm convinced the infection will come back. Even though intellectually that is very unlikely now that he's been snipped. So I'll just ignore those thoughts...la la la la....I can't hear you!

Now onto today's rant. Well, it's not really a rant. More commentary than rant. Yeah that's it. Commentary. We watched "The Business of Being Born" last night. And yes, I can hear certain of my friends sighing and rolling their eyes right now. Yes, it was all of those things that those of us who have been through a less than perfect birth experience get annoyed with. The blanket statements about home births vs. hospitals, the chest-thumping pride that comes with a natural birth (who coined that phrase anyway? is there an un-natural birth??), etc., etc. So I found myself getting all pissed off at various points in the movie. And at the same time totally agreeing with them on other points! I do think C-sections are done far too liberally in our country and likely as a result of hasty interventions. I do think the medical establishment has a bias against midwifery and home births. I do agree that there is likely a correlation between our super high rates of c-section births and our shockingly high infant mortality rates. But of course these are only part of the story. And, as I've said before, any way in which that baby has come into your life and into your family should be celebrated. And, for some of us, there simply is no choice. A hospital saved Leo's life. Had we been going the home route, he likely wouldn't have made it. I wasn't even ever contemplating the home route so that's beside the point. But still. And I find myself getting annoyed all over again at this "all or nothing" approach. Why does one have to be so at odds with the other? Why can't both work together in the best interest of Mom and baby? Why are the people in these movies who advocate for one side or the other always such a caricature? The angry hippie pissed off at doctors, the callous doctor dismissive of the midwife. It was a little silly.

And then, at the end of the movie...an unexpected surprise. Rikki Lake's partner on the project, pregnant herself during the course of filming, planning a home birth - goes into early labor. And delivers 4 weeks early! And the baby's in the NICU! Is it insenstive to cheer at that? The baby was fine, home within a few days from the sounds of it. And I think what we were so excited about wasn't that this baby had come early, we're not total jerks or anything. But that they did a really nice job of showing how supported this woman was through this very unexpected turn of events. And they talked alot in the movie about supporting women. Support them in their use of midwives, insurance companies should support this choice, doctors should support it, etc., etc. And finally they showed another kind of support, the kind I think sometimes gets lost in these arguments of which way is better. How about supporting the women and families who find themselves in exactly these unexpected, traumatic and confusing situations. When the love hormones don't flow (this was another highly annoying part of the movie...watch out c-section ladies...you'll never bond with your baby!), when nothing is going as planned...or even partially as planned. Let's talk about supporting that. And they did! And in an instant I loved this movie. Because the reality is that there's no perfect way. And if we can remember that and support ourselves and others through whatever way works then I think we'll all be much better off.

Ok, so that was kinda ranty. Oh, and it's kind of funny that I'm talking about a movie that's like 10 years old or something. Way to stay current!

Sunny Days

It's an odd place to be in, the place we're at right now with Leo. He's - for the most part - normal. It sort of quietly arrived at our doorstep without much fan fare...this new "normalcy" we're experiencing. And I guess our version of normal would not be other parents' version of normal. But for us he may as well have never been in the hospital for how far from that he is today. But of course he was in the hospital, so the moment I think something like that I'm immediately reminded of darker days. But enough of that, he's thriving. Growing. Eating. Sleeping through the night! Smiling. Lifting his head during tummy time. Did I mention growing? Width-wise not length-wise unfortunately for him. He's going to his weekly physical therapy appointments, and doing very well. They think he should be done with that likely in a few weeks. The speech therapist, in particular, is certain he's all set on the feeding front. No more of the issues he was having before of sputtering and breathing too hard when taking a bottle. And the pediatric urologist is going to see him next week for a consult on the whole circumcision thing. So we could potentially be all done with antibiotics and UTI worries very soon.

But it does sort of throw me for a loop when I realize he's doing so well. Do I know how to be his Mom without all the scary bits? I know how to deal with the hospital stuff, the tests and doctors' reports, the language of his history. I've excelled at the management of his medical stuff. But can I excel at the regular stuff? I don't say it to elicit insincere praise. It really is the thought that comes into my mind every once in a while. How are we supposed to handle this transition of parenting? Away from the chaos and into the quiet. My more critical voice says "what the hell's wrong with you, enjoy it, this is what you were praying for!" And of course we are happy. I think that goes without saying. But when I really get quiet and think about the whole crazy business of our time with Leo, these are the thoughts that come in sometimes. And it's OK. I think that's my new favorite phrase I tell myself. It's OK. Feeling unsure about things? That's fine. Feeling too worried to relax and enjoy how well he's doing right now? OK. Feeling like you can't even remember the scary times? That's OK too. It's all OK. And we'll figure out this new place we're in, just like we did before.

Flexin'

The last 10 days have been chock full of activity. Where, oh where, to begin. Well for starters, Leo kicked the UTI. Hooray! And he had his big reflux test yesterday at Seattle Children's Hospital to see if his pee is shooting back up into the ureters into the bladder and therefore causing bacteria to grow...hence the UTIs. The procedure was quite something. They strapped him down on a table, literally strapped him down. He couldn't move, his arms were stretched up over his head and his legs were straightened out at the other end. They put a catheter up his wee wee and then shot dye up there so that they could see on the xray machine whether liquid was going out the exit, as it should, or creeping back up. I have to say, seeing Leo strapped down to a table, crying his head off, was as awful as it sounds. But he was a trooper and it certainly wasn't hurting him any, just a little disconcerting I would think. And about 10 minutes later - success! He does not have the reflux! All plumbing parts are working correctly. So this means the UTIs are a function of the turtleneck that he still has. After our trip to Children's we high tailed it over to Swedish to meet with his Urologist who was very pleased with how normal his parts are now...in the hospital they were very teeny tiny, but there was also, how shall I put this, extra material on the turtleneck. There was lots of swelling in the region too. But now things are looking normal and she thinks we can get rid of that turtleneck in another month or so. Yay! So he'll only need to be on a low dose of antibiotics for another few weeks and that's it. Relief.

And then today we had his big physical therapy assessment. We discovered, about a week ago, that his head is slightly misshapen...one side is flatter than the other which causes the ears on that side to sit farther back than the other side. You can't really tell until you look at the top of his head. It's kinda funny really. It's pretty minor stuff, easy to fix when you catch it this early, and it just means he'll be doing weekly PT for a while to correct it. The good news is that the therapist didn't see anything else that worried her about his development or milestones. He's going to be delayed on all the regular baby milestones, but we knew that already, and so we just need to remain patient. Having him in weekly therapy will also do wonders for catching anything else that may creep up. So we're feeling really positive about all of this.

It's easy to continue to be discouraged about all the never-ending treatment stuff Leo's dealing with. I cannot wait for the day when he's just a boring normal kid. But we are light years ahead of where we were in the hospital and I'm reminded of that constantly. The fact that all we're really dealing with at this point is a little physical therapy and an impending circumcision is a miracle to me. And it's weeks like this week where we saw just about every part of his medical team in the span of two days that I'm reminded of how fortunate we are to have him the hands of such capable, loving professionals. I'm really blown away when I sit and think about it. And, yet again, I'm grateful.

Ten Pounds!

Leo's ten pounds!!!! He had his four month well baby visit yesterday and the pediatrician is very happy. He's growing really well and is getting closer and closer to the growth curve that "normal" kids are on...the all important PERCENTILES!!!!!! I am trying not to be one of those mothers that obsessively rattles off which percentile her child is at be it for weight or height, as if to show some correlation between that and his hopes of getting into Harvard. It's a little annoying to say the least. And perhaps my perspective is a gift given what we've been through with Leo, because a parent of an otherwise healthy, full term baby doesn't really have a whole lot else to worry about (beyond the worries that all parents have). Whereas our expectations are decidedly less...um what's the word...high. And the doc went ahead and took him off his iron supplements. So that means...drumroll...he's not on ANY of the medications he was on when he left the hospital. Yay!!!!! And once he kicks this UTI we'll hopefully be done altogether, aside from any lingering low-dose antibiotic treatment he may require to deal with whatever is causing the UTI. We'll know more in a couple of weeks there. But to no longer have to deal with six mediations/vitamins every few hours is such a huge weight lifted. Things are really starting to feel...gulp...normal.

The other very exciting bit of news today is that I have, officially, ceased pumping. I turned in the hospital pump yesterday and haven't pumped in 24 hours. It feels liberating. And weird. And I'm still feeling guilty. And so on and so on. And I'm sure I'll still pump here and there with my portable pump. But the days of endless pumping and middle of the night pumping are over. Hurrah doesn't even come close to the glee I'm feeling over this. Leo can nurse as much as he wants and otherwise he's getting formula. And that's that. Thankfully he is able to do both, a gift that is definitely not lost on me. I can't believe that after four months of non-stop pumping...four months of pumping in the middle of the night...every single night...it's done. Just like that. Believe me the guilt dissipates with every hour I'm not looking at pump parts in the living room. So, yay!

We also had some awesome tummy time today. He's getting closer and closer to holding his head up while on his tummy. This is the big milestone his doctor wants to see by his six month visit. So we're getting lots of practice in each day while trying not to piss off Leo too much. He's also getting close to rolling over...we think...hard to know really. But when he's on his tummy he kicks the living daylights out of his legs and pushes up on his arms and I swear a couple of times he almost flipped himself right over. No more unattended time on the couch I'm afraid. Bring on the mobile baby and the baby proofing...can't wait!

It's a gorgeous day today and we're very happy to be seeing some old friends tonight for dinner. Should be a lovely evening...and the raspberry tart I whipped up this morning (vanilla pastry cream, pistachio studded pastry crust, raspberries on top) is calling my name from the refrigerator right now...bring on the feedbag!

Multiple Steps...Forward, Backward and Side to Side

Where to begin...well it's been a couple of weeks since the last post and part of me is struggling with what to say. But thank goodness life is never dull around here and constantly offers up new posting ideas daily. Today's gift comes in the form of a bladder infection/UTI for Leo. We went to see his kidney doctor on Thursday for what I thought would be routine follow-up. After which we could close the book on the kidney doctor. Yep, I was sure we'd be all done with that. Fail.

She took blood and urine samples and he had an ultrasound on his kidneys to see how things looked. The ultrasound looked fine, nothing different than the last time. But on Friday I got a rather panicked call from the nurse about his urine culture. Seems he had an infection but they weren't sure if the sample from the previous day was contaminated or what. So back to the hospital we went for a cathoter for Leo. Ouch. Five minutes later results - yes an infection is confirmed and we'll call you when we know what the exact bacteria is. In the meantime, here are some antibiotics to start him on. Sunday afternoon a call from the doctor (this can't be good, calling on a Sunday??) to confirm that it's a pretty serious bacteria that is apparently resistent to pretty much every antibiotic out there. Except for IV ones! Oh, and one other oral one that none of the pharmacies near our home seem to carry. So she'll fax it to the Swedish Pharmacy. Oh they're closed for the day already? Ok, will pick it up in the morning. Amidst all of this Leo is fine. He doesn't have a fever, he's eating, sleeping, in a good mood - you wouldn't know he had anything at all.

Monday morning, 7 a.m. call the pharmacy to check on status of medication - their computers are down! Fail. Wait two hours, prescription filled and Leo is now on the proper medication. And hopefully the bacteria won't decide to morph into a new strain and become resistent to this because methinks we'd be in for a hospital stay if that were the case. Not going there.

So the story is that due to his preemie-ness, his little boy parts (the main part) is, well, how to put this - the turtle is hiding in its shell just a bit too much. And the shell will eventually be removed, but that won't be until 9 months, because of his preemie-ness. With the turtle out of its shell the risk of UTI will go down dramatically but until then this is something that can happen so he'll likely be on antibiotics of some sort for a while. There's also a test they do for a form of reflux that preemies (and regular kids/adults for that matter) can get whereby the pee doesn't just drain on out, but some of it backs up into the bladder and then sits there and, you guessed it, grows bacteria. So they'll be doing this test soon, if he has the reflux problem there's a procedure to fix it. Sigh. But for now we're just trying to get rid of nasty bacteria and move on from there.

Today's fun with doctors is a follow-up with his GI/Liver doc. I can't wait to see what this day brings!

On the positive tip, Leo's calcium and sodium levels in his bones and blood are normal so he's now off of the calcium carbonate and sodium phosphate. So of his original six medications he was on when he left the hospital, he's still only on two of them and conceivably could be off of one of those two today if the GI doc gives the green light. Hooray for progress.

Grandma's also heading back to Spokane today. It's been amazingly helpful to have an extra pair of hands around here. And she has so loved spending time with Leo. We've loved having her and look forward to more visits. I am, however, looking forward to Jay commencing his stay-at-home-papa role today. He'll be home for the next month. Woot!

And, just because I love it so...here's a recent pic of the little man himself.

16 Weeks!

Leo is 16 weeks old today. FOUR MONTHS! That seems totally unfathomable to me somehow. Apparently his teeth will start to come in between 4-6 months. He will also begin eating solid food between 4-6 months. And he's already wearing his 3-6 month sized clothing.

Now, who knows if he'll actually follow a similar timeframe on the teeth and food part...given his early status he could be a bit slower in those areas. But still, the fact that my weekly email pushes from Swedish about "what your infant is doing at x weeks old" now includes teeth and solid food is kinda mind boggling.

On the food front, I'm still obsessing. On the plus side, I've stopped counting and writing things down. Jay and I just decided to stop the other day. I stood there and looked at the notebook that has sat on the kitchen counter for four months, recording all of my pump totals and, for the last two months, recording all of Leo's feed totals and meds dosing. And I was waiting for something to happen now that I'd decided to stop counting. But how will we know how he's doing? How will we keep track of whether he's had his meds?? (Even though we both can do this now in our sleep) How will I know how my milk production is? OH MY GOD HOW DO I NOT COUNT?!?!?! THE WORLD WILL STOP TURNING!!!! Well, perhaps not quite that dramatic. But I have to say it did cause me instant anxiety the first time I didn't write down a total. So I wrote one down. And then the next time I said "why did I bother" and still felt anxious and chose to ignore the anxiety. It would pass I assured myself. And it did! And now, here we are, two days later and I've not written a single total down in about 24 hours. Progress. I figure, Leo's growing, he's making poopy and wet diapers and I seem to have enough milk to both make up bottles with part formula and to mix with his meds (he's still on this recipe until next week when we see the GI doc) and enough to nurse him a few times during the day. So I think I just have to let it go and trust that he's getting what he needs. If we show up next week and the docs aren't happy with his growth, then so be it. Back to counting. But for now, we're moving on. It feels like I'm getting away with something...like I'm being naughty. It causes me to giggle when I think about how I'm a rebel and NOT writing these all-important numbers down in my special notebook. Well, screw the notebook. I want to be done with this phase. I'd like to move on now please! And, hopefully, we can.

In other exciting news, this week begins the Grandma visits! Yay! My Mom's been here for a couple of days now and it's been so awesome. I'm sure it's the biggest cliche in the world but I feel like our connection is now stronger, deeper, now that we're both part of the same "club." She knows what to do when Leo starts fussing and she just jumps right in and does what needs doing. Whether it's a diaper change, or getting a bottle or just holding him to calm him down. I'm so grateful for the help as I've been easing back into work this week. It's so nice to know that things are handled and I don't have to constantly run upstairs to be sure everything is OK. And today Jay's Mom comes in! Yay! I'm telling you, I'm going to be spoiled with all of this help. A girl could get used to this.

Heat Wave

Lordy it's hot! One day it was 50 and the next it was 90. Awesome. Although I have to say, usually I'm sweating my girls off in misery but somehow this bit of heat is somewhat enjoyable. Maybe because we have a pseudo-finished space in the basement to escape to. Maybe because we were freezing our butts off for the last four months. Either way, I'm trying to enjoy the sticky heat and sunshine. My tomatoes sure are happy, that's for sure.

I'm also gearing up to start back to work Monday. Looking forward to having my Mom here for a couple of days to help out and then Jay's Mom will be here for two weeks after that. I'm not typically someone who asks for help, but I have to say, having them both here will be wonderful. I'm so appreciative of their time and I think having that one-on-one time with Leo will be something they both love as well. And who knows, maybe I'll get some clean laundry and various baked goods out of it! Woot!

The other thing weighing on my mind...ok i'm obsessing about it actually...is how and when to stop pumping. Perhaps not stop entirely...Leo's probably going to be 10 before that happens. Kidding. But at least stop the round-the-clock pumping. As a reminder, I've been pumping around the clock since March 24. Yes, yes, poor me. So if I'm going to stop, this means that Leo will need to nurse pretty well. And it means that if he's not nursing too well that he's going to need to be supplemented with formula. So I'm wrestling with the best approach. My old friend judgement is rearing it's head because my inner voice is saying "formula's bad! you have to nurse! keep pumping!" but my boobs are saying "dear god please give us a break." So I think my approach is going to be a hybrid. I'll likely stop pumping around the clock sometime over the next month or so. As I decrease in pumping I'll increase in the number of times each day that Leo nurses. I'm already doing this so it shouldn't be too big of a deal. But the wild card in all of this is, of course, Leo. If he really starts to take off with the nursing it'll probably be a non-issue. My body will continue to supply him with what he needs, even without pumping. But if he does what he's doing now - nursing very well for about 15 minutes and then falling asleep, only to wake up 30 minutes to an hour later hungry - then I may have to supplement with - gasp - formula. Because otherwise I'll have to keep pumping round the clock to keep him exclusively in Momma milk. Thus defeating the purpose of weaning off the pumping. So I think it'll all work out and be fine. Ideally by the time he starts daycare (very small, home-based) down the street in September he'll be sleeping through the night, I won't have to pump more than a couple of times a day, he'll nurse a few times a day, and formula will fill in the gaps. Done and done. Much like my previous post, faithful readers may say to themselves, "why is this a big deal? Formula is great and there for a reason, relax Caitlin!" and I'm trying to. However, my overly obsessive tendencies sometimes get the best of me and are only heightened when it comes to Leo. An obsessive Mom, weird.

Oh and Leo's wearing size 3-6 month stuff now! Yay! It's amazing how much he's growing. I realize this tends to happen with humans...but still. Kind of crazy to put on the 3-6 month stuff and have it fit. Even weirder to have to put the newborn stuff in storage. But good weird, definitely good weird.

The house is 75 degrees and it's 7:56 a.m. I think it's not even 70 outside yet. Suh-weet.

Happy Fourth!

It's a lovely Fourth here at the Roulston household. Grandma and Grandpa are here and Aunts Katie and Melissa will be coming by later. Lots of meaty goodness will be placed on the grill...and some non meaty stuff too! And, with the exception of the weather, it's a beautiful day.

Leo continues to grow and I just can't get over how big he looks, and how it changes on an almost daily basis. He's taking more and more milk at each feed, I think we're up to about 4 ounces on average at each feed. So he's well over the 20 ounces a day that normal babies eat! Hooray! He's even growing out of many of his newborn attire and moving close to the 1-3 month sized stuff. AND, we've started using the next size up on his cloth diapers. He's huge!!! Well, he's huge to us given how tiny he was.

And, appropriate for this Independence Day, Leo spent last night in his crib, in his room - as opposed to in the co-sleeper attached to the bed. It was as much our own independence day as Leo's. But he did great. He woke up around 2:15 wanting to eat, and was crying loud enough to let us know. So we're feeling very good about this development. I was able to sleep soundly for the first time since we brought him home. I even had dreams! Of course it's very easy to put him in his crib in his room when said room is literally two steps away from our bedroom since our house is so small. But still, a victory nonetheless.

Jay is also hard at work on the temporary "finishing" of the office/guest room downstairs. Just in time for the two Grandma visits in the next couple of weeks. It's amazing how well Tyvek works as a wall covering. And the best part is we can easily access those walls when the time comes that we finally get the electrical inspection done. It's a win-win for everyone!

I hear someone stirring in the other room so I should probably go check on things. Happy Fourth!

9 Pounds!

Leo weighed in at 9 lbs this morning...with diaper. Without diaper he was at 8.13. But I'm just going to call it 9 lbs. YAY! He really is looking like a little chunk now, compared to where he was at. And the pediatrician is super happy with everything. We don't need to see her again until his 4 month visit, next month. We seriously don't have any doctors' visits for nearly a month. Suh-weet.

I read through all of the old posts here today. What a ride. I'm so thankful that I started writing everything down. It's going to be a wonderful memory for us and also a gift for Leo. And I'm just marveling at how far we've come. And what I've learned. And how my perspective on parenthood, childbirth, etc. has all changed now. I was listening to NPR this morning in the car and the topic was childbirth. The host was taking calls from folks sharing their childbirth stories - natural or epidural? Hospital or home birth? And it struck me that I think we (women, society, whoever) have soooo much judgement around what makes "the best" childbirth experience. And before my experience with Leo I had all the same judgements. C-Sections are bad and are to be avoided at all costs, if you can go natural you should, epidurals are fine but if you can "handle it" you should go without. And the list goes on. Why do we not realize that at the end of the day the focus should only be about what's going to result in a healthy mom and baby? Why do we feel more pride if we go without any pain intervention? Why do we feel like we've failed if we have a c-section? I'm sure these judgements and feelings aren't true for all women. Perhaps it's a Seattle/West Coast thing. We value the natural out here. But now that I've gone through all of the feelings of failure/anger/jealousy/grief, etc. for having Leo not at all in the way that I expected, I've gained a perspective for which I am so thankful. Enough with the pressure to be the earth mother. Likewise, enough with any and all pressure/expectation/judgement around childbirth. It's just so totally unnecessary and all it does is help to make women feel badly about themselves. Thank God for modern medicine and the ability to have babies in all manner of ways. However that baby joins your family should be celebrated. And, when life throws you a curveball and you find yourself in a situation you never imagined, letting go of those judgements is the only way you can truly heal. Readers of this blog with far more wisdom than I will say "um, duh Caitlin" but for me this realization wasn't so obvious. Which makes me even more grateful to have come to said realization. Ladies, it's time we eased up on ourselves. Give ourselves more credit. It's true that our bodies can do more than perhaps we expect. But it's also true that sometimes we can't. And that's OK.

Sorry for the Oprah moment there...but I've been chewing on that one for weeks and listening to the discussion on the radio this morning I found myself talking back to the radio. So instead of turning into a crazy person who talks to the radio in her car, I opted for writing it down. The end.

Back to Work

Well it's official...I'm going back to work in two weeks! Jay's going to be stay-at-home papa for a couple of months and I'm going to head back a little early. The fact that I work from home obviously makes it a pretty easy decision. We can both be home! It's really the best of all worlds. And I'm looking forward to getting back to my other job. I'm so grateful for the situation I have, it's not lost on me as a new Mom how lucky I am and I'm feeling exceedingly grateful.

I'm also feeling grateful because Leo continues to thrive! We have a weigh-in later this week so hopefully he'll be up over 8lbs by then. It's been two weeks so I can't imagine he's not. He just keeps getting bigger. His head is getting bigger too, and he's holding it up! When you pick him up and hold him in your arms he really holds up his head well. When we do "tummy time" he still struggles a little bit to pull his head all the way up. But he moves it from side to side no problem. AND, the brutal diaper rash of the last couple of weeks is almost gone! Hooray!!! Butt paste is the greatest thing ever. No kidding, it's called "Butt Paste". And it rocks. Not sure if the "no dairy" orders from the doctor have also helped, so we'll see when I start to reintroduce some dairy later this week. Fingers crossed.

Leo is also coming off of some of his meds! He's off of the antibiotics (another reason I suspect the rash is getting better), off of the nasty orange vitamins that he puked up daily AND nearly off of the formula. He's nursing more during the day and I think taking more at each session. All in all, things are going very well. We think he's getting close to giving us a real smile...it always looks like he's just about to do it so I hope that means it's close. We can't wait for "interactive baby" stage.

And we have a new addition to the family...we got a Mac. I feel slightly guilty given my employer BUT I'm pretty much over that now that I'm using sweetness (as Stephen Colbert would say). Sweet sweetness. It's so pretty...and it works...and it doesn't have a virus like the old machine did. Plus I made up for my treason at the store by encouraging them to prominently place a couple of certain printers on the show floor. Just trying to do my part.

AND, we're getting ready for a big visit from Grandma. We're so looking forward to having her here for a bit. And in anticipation Jay is working hard at getting the downstairs office/guest room marginally ready...it'll be rustic but it'll be functional nonetheless. That's how we roll. Check out Mr. Leo snuggling.

One Month! Or Three Months! Either Way!

Leo's been home one month this week! It's hard to believe we've been at this for four weeks now...it feels longer! I think that's the sleep deprivation talking. I think I've mentioned this before but it's odd to have a little person so totally in between ages. He's technically three months old this week but his corrected age is only four weeks. He's more engaged and active than a four week old, but not as much as a three month old. SO it's odd. But he sure is fun to have around. He's lifting his head up all the time, he manages to scooch himself into the corner of the co-sleeper regardless of being placed in the middle, he looks at us more intently now as if to suggest that he may finally be recognizing us and I swear the other day I nearly heard a laugh out of him. I'm sure that's my imagination...but still.

So the GI doc was out on Friday so still no word on whether we can come off any of the meds or the formula. We did hear that Leo's Billirubin level is at 0.6, down from 3.5 when he left the hospital. Ideal is right around zero but they really want to see it at .5 or lower. So he's just a hair above normal and we don't know if they will therefore want to keep him on everything for a bit longer or if they won't be concerned about it. The doctor who was subbing for GI doc on Friday said that she wasn't worried about that number at all, but it's not her call. So we'll see what GI doc says, hopefully today. We did also hear from the kidney doc and she wants to keep Leo on a couple of the vitamin/meds he's on so we're not totally going to be rid of everything just yet. But at this point even going from 6 down to 2 would be a big win.

We had a nice Dad's day yesterday...tho the weather didn't cooperate. We're at our wits end with this weather. But we didn't let it totally ruin the day, we managed to throw some ribs on the grill in an effort to trick ourselves into thinking it's summer. And I whipped up a really lovely (and super easy) blueberry cake for dessert that was dee-lish. So it was a mellow first Dad's Day for Jay but a nice one nonetheless. Plus we slept in yesterday morning until about 11...of course that was after the 3 and 7 a.m. feedings. But who's counting!

It's hard to imagine that in another month there will be even more exciting developments and changes to report...and maybe summer will have finally arrived! Here's hoping...

Cruisin'

Unlike last week, which was only a 50% solo visit, today I had - officially - a 100% mommy-only visit to the doctor's with Leo. Two doctor's visits in fact. First up was a visit for me to investigate a lingering...how shall I put this...nursing issue. I'll just leave it at that...but use your imagination. Leo was a champ, and there were many "ooh he's so cute!" and "oh he's tiny, how old is he?" from well-meaning strangers. Prognosis for Mom? A sample sent off to the lab to determine once and for all the issue along with a prescription for some ointment that will hopefully help in the meantime. Again, I won't go into details as the men reading this will run screaming...and honestly so will the women. Nothing earth-shattering, just kinda gross and annoying. The end.

Second visit was one of Leo's follow-ups - this one with the Gut Doctor, as I call her. She was the one focused on Leo's high direct billirubin (bile flow) levels in the liver and the one who put him on his fancy cocktail of half and half (formula/boob milk) along with many of the vitamins/meds he's on. So this was a big follow-up visit. As I suspected, the kidney doctor (in the same office as gut doctor) didn't screen the blood she took from Leo last week for his billirubin levels so gut doctor had to take more blood to check on the all important billirubin level. Her suspicion is that his levels are where they need to be since they were much lower when he left the hospital three weeks ago. SO, presuming the levels are normal we can begin...wait for it...to ween him off of the formula!!!! YAY!!!!! AND, not only ween him off the formula, but likely off of the nasty vitamins that turn everything orange as well as a couple other vitamins he's on. So we may be within a month of just feeding him mommy milk. WOOT! His weight gain continues on a very nice growth curve - "oh that's a very pretty growth curve" - were her exact words today. We also got the results back from the "jaundice chip" test that was sent out to Children's Hospital in Cincinnati - yes, Cincinnati - some 6 weeks ago. It was negative! So we know he doesn't have some crazy, rare liver diseases. Check.

In other parenting news...you've heard about our cloth diapering, which continues to go well. I also thought I'd do the reusable baby wipes...they're flannel and you just moisten them with a solution of your choice and then launder them with the diapers. So the solution I chose came from the cloth diapering site we've been using (a hippie combo of tee tree oil and other stuff) and supposedly all you need to do is mix a few drops of the solution in some water and then take your wipes and moisten them in that solution and then throw them in the wipe warmer - et voila! Well...not so much voila unfortunately. The wipes themselves are good, they're very soft, etc. But the solution sucks. And it's kind of a giant pain in the arse to have to get them all wet in the solution, wring them out, and then fold each one individually and put them in the wipe warmer. SO, I think I'm abandoning the reusable wipes for their intended purpose. They're great for burp rags or for drying off his bum after we wipe it down at diaper changing time. He's got a bit of diaper rash right now so using those wipes in their dry state will help dry off his bum before re-diapering. So not a total loss. But I will now go visit my favorite - diapers.com - and will order many boxes of regular disposable baby wipes, stat!

So keep your fingers crossed for normal billirubin! We should know in the next day or so what the prognosis is. And here are some new pics - Grandma and Grandpa Donahue shots as well as Jay catching some zzzz's with his boys.

Week 2 - Follow-up Begins

Today I managed to get out of the house with Leo all by myself! AND, I managed to keep him happy, calm and occupied for the duration of our 5-hour visit to Swedish today. No newborn melt-downs! Yay! True confession...Jay arrived for the second half of the day but still, I got him out of the house and handled the first part of the day at the hospital alone! Woot!

First was a trip to radiology for an ultrasound that the Nephrologist (kidney doctor) wanted as a follow-up to his time in the hospital. And I managed to feed Leo without incident (with my pre-measured bottles specific for each feed - this one with vitamins, that one with meds, a third with extra milk in case he was really hungry - look at me!) in the ultrasound room before dashing across the Swedish campus to the Nephrologist's office to discuss his progress. The ultrasound showed things to be much improved in the kidney arena...the calcification he had on his kidneys while in the hospital was greatly reduced so hopefully that'll continue and be all cleared up in another couple of months when we go back for another ultrasound. She also took some more pee and blood samples (the sound of him crying at the blood draw made me surprisingly emotional...wasn't ready for that) to check for any lingering urinary tract infection, etc. But overall she was very happy so things are going in the right direction there. Sadly we can't come off any of the meds/minerals/vitamins she has him on just yet. But hopefully soon.

After those two appointments we quickly dashed back across the hospital to our Pediatrician's office for our weekly check-in there. And we were a little bummed out when Leo weighed in only 2 ounces heavier than last week's weight. But the doctor explained that his overall weight gain is exactly where she wants it to be - more than one ounce per day since he's been out of the hospital - so that perspective helped. She even said that last week's one pound weight gain is WAY uncommon and therefore not sustainable. Again with the slow and steady!!! I'm reminded of the need for patience yet again. But, as with the kidney doc, the Pediatrician is also very happy with where he's at. Nothing more to do but keep shoveling food into the little guy and go back next week for another weigh-in.

And we have a couple of dinners to look forward to this weekend from wonderful friends and family as well as some superb weather finally headed our way. Safe to say that we are desperate for some sunny Summer-ish weather. Perhaps some grilling and a lovely summer salad are in order.

Hark, I hear the call of the hungry one now.

Week 1

I can't believe we've had Leo home for over a week! It feels in some ways like he's always been with us and the NICU is a faint memory. Now our life is filled with regular feedings, pumpings (nothing new there!) and lots of snuggle time. We're actually sleeping pretty decently. Leo's been better than I think either of us imagined he'd be with the sleeping thing. He's giving us 3-4 hours at a stretch so we're only doing one middle of the night feed, usually around 2 or 3. Jay's been taking the last feed of the night, around 11, so I can head off to sleep first and then I get up at 2 or 3 for middle of the night duty and to pump and then Jay gets up with Leo around 6 for the next feed. This lets me sleep in until about 8 or so. All in all it's working pretty well. So hopefully next week when Jay's back to work this schedule will allow him to get enough sleep to make it through his workday and give me a chance to catch a few extra zzz's in the morning. And the pediatrician mentioned that pretty soon we can start letting him go 6 hours or so! So we might be free of the middle of the night feed in another couple of weeks. Joy of joys. Of course I'll still be getting up to pump, but somehow that feels easier.

Oh the pumping...what a cruel mistress. So the lactation lady told me last week that I could probably start to ween off of the Fenugreek - in her words: "Once your milk comes in, it's there, so you should be fine." Sweet! So I start to ween off and my total slipped a little bit, but nothing alarming...until about 2 days ago when I dropped off the cliff. I was down nearly 50% of my daily totals. Part of this I'm sure is sleep deprivation which does affect your totals...but the other part? So needless to say I'm back to popping 9 Fenugreek pills a day desperate to get my daily total back up to where it was. It's slowly climbing back and hopefully will be back to normal by next week. And the lesson there? As with this whole thing - trust yourself! I had a feeling the Fenugreek was what was keeping my levels up and yet I ignored that. One step forward, two steps back. It seems to continue even after the hospital.

But on to better news - Leo's 7 pounds!!!! He packed on over a pound in one week! The pediatrician is super happy and hopefully he can pack on another pound this week. He is literally doing nothing but eating and sleeping (and pooping) so we'll keep our fingers crossed that we can just keep it going. I suspect he's going to be rounder than he is tall (his little legs are just that - tiny!) but such is his fate as our child I'm afraid. That's what soccer's for!

In other exciting news, we've begun to use our fancy cloth diapers. And it's working pretty well. RIght now we're using the all-in-one Bum Genius diapers for preemies, which are just like disposables in that the liner is sewn into the diaper so it's just all one piece. So all we have to do is get the poop into the toilet and then throw the diaper into the pail until laundry day, usually the next day. I'm still tweaking the washing technique - an ammonia smell seems to linger - but I'm trying a few things that should help with that. And we ordered the sprayer that attaches to the toilet and mounts on the wall beside it for easy poop removal. So once that's in I think things will be much easier on the cloth diapering front. We're still using disposables overnight and when we have to take him out. But we'll get there eventually. Baby steps. And he looks really cute in them too. Bonus! OH, and for all your new Moms or Moms to be out there, I've discovered what I believe to be the greatest burp rags ever - and I know I'm going to sound like my Mother with this one - old fashioned cloth diapers! The prefold ones that they sell at Target, I think Gerber makes them. I swear they're genius. They wash beautifully, are the perfect size - not to big, not too small - and they really absorb the spit-up. Leo's got all manner of spit-up due to all the meds he's on, and these things work like a charm. And they're about $10 for a pack of six, so really you can't beat that.

So that's all for now. Check out my Facebook page for some recent photos with Leo and our other two children, the dogs. They've been doing some good bonding here.

Happy Friday and here's hoping for some frickin' sun this weekend!

Top 10 Best Things About Having Leo Home

10. Jammies all the time!
9. Dinner can consist of cereal and leftovers and that's OK.
8. On Demand napping.
7. Kangaroo Care in the comfort of home.
6. Little squeals.
5. Knowing what time it is based on feeding and pumping schedule alone-no clock needed!
4. The best excuse to hibernate ever.
3. Listening to him sleep.
2. Learning what he needs...slowly but surely.
1. He's home! And that's enough for us.

Here are a few pics from the last couple of days...we're not really sure what day it is at this point...our time consists of sleeping, feeding, pumping, napping, holding, feeding, pumping, etc., etc. And we love it!

Settling In

It's a very odd feeling to know that we no longer have to make the twice daily trek to Swedish. It's odd in an "oh my god I'm so happy that's over" kind of way. Leo's doing great at home and Jay and I are happily settling into somewhat of a routine. Leo's been making it fairly easy on us by going 3-4 hrs. in between full feeds and sleeping pretty soundly in between. We have to pester him a couple of times a day outside of that for his "meds only" feeds but we're figuring things out and I think we'll have a reasonable routine in place over the next few weeks.

Leo's also sleeping really well. I dno't know if this is just lingering preemie behavior or if we'll actually be this lucky with him. When he's out, he's out. The kid is so quiet when he sleeps that we're constantly walking back to his crib to be sure he's breathing. One caveat to the quiet thing is when he's working out his poops and/or gas. He's a grunting machine. And as soon as he realizes he's hungry the cries begin in earnest. It's virtually instantaneous...he's silent and one second later - WAAAAAH. But overall he's really mellow...we hope not "too" mellow medically speaking but for now we'll take it.

We've been trying to injest as much food into him as is possible. He's taking 2-3 ounces per feed with some 1 oz feeds in between to wash down the myriad medications he's on. Oh the meds. I had to enlist my brilliant sister to devise a thorough spreadsheet so we could track all of his meds and feeds. It's a little nutty. I'll be much relieved when those are done and all we're doing is mixing up his special blend of milk...which, according to the pediatrician will likely continue for a few more months. So just about the time most women start to ween their baby from nursing and introduce solids is when I can move to all nursing...um, what's wrong with this picture? Sigh. Oh well, I at least get to nurse a couple of times a day as it is and Leo does pretty well with it and beyond that he's getting my milk 50% of the time so I guess I can't complain too much. But I do look at the formula tin as this giant buzz kill. But I know it's giving him the added nutrition he needs to grow - blah, blah, blah.

We had our first trip out of the house since Wednesday today! Off to the doctor's we went and Leo did great in his car seat - sleeping the whole way. And he did very well for the doctor too. It was so surreal to be back at Swedish but not going to the NICU or ISCU to see Leo - we had him with us! And we were going home with him! We get to do that now!

And the dogs are being wonderful. Beans is a nervous wreck but listens to us dilligently and jumps off of the bed or sits/stays on command if he's getting too close to the crib for comfort, etc. Henry is a little more daring around Leo, he wants to sniff him up one side and down the other and would sleep with him in the cosleeper if we let him...both of them would do that actually. But they're being really sweet and listening to us AND so far neither has pooped or peed in the house so I think I'm going to call that a success at this point. Let's hope it lasts.

I think I hear a nap calling my name, will post more pictures in the next couple of days.

Home!

We're home!!! The Roulston Clan is officially home at Casa Roulston, together at long last. The last 48 hours have been a blur and it's hard to believe that after 9 weeks - 64 days - in the hospital it's all come down to this. Jay and Leo hanging out on the couch right now while I type away on the computer nearby. The dogs are hanging out on the couch too, snuggling beside Dad. And Leo has already slept comfortably in his crib this afternoon, taken two full feedings and one of his many lighter "med" feedings - that's when we essentially force feed a little extra milk disguising a myriad of medications that he's still on and will be for at least another month.

We already made it through our first "oh my god" moment when we took his temperature after coming home and let's just say he wasn't warm. So we bundled him up in a double swaddle (see below pictures), a hat and cranked up the heat in the house. A couple of hours later he was back in the safe zone. Phew. And I have to say, this is when I'm thankful that our house is so small. Because I can just lean into the hallway from the kitchen and see that he's breathing OK in his crib. Really we're never more than about 5 steps from confirming that he's OK. And this is good for our sanity.

We're trying to get the hang of all of his medications and how best to give them to him especially when he's not yet on a fixed feeding schedule AND when the dosing times don't line up with when he's been eating. Awesome. But we're figuring it out, and the little mini-feeds a couple of times a day seem to be working.

I will say, however, that the rooming in experience and the discharge experience were not quite as joyous as maybe we had hoped. The rooming in experience was really fine, we didn't sleep much but we managed to get a tiny bit of sleep. Leo did really well for us so there wasn't much going on other than us trying to learn how and when to feed him. But our nurse was brand new to Leo so there were definite gaps in understanding in terms of what his patterns are, etc. Combine misunderstandings with no sleep and you get lots of frustration. But nothing major, just annoying. Discharge was another story. I don't know why hospitals are so bad at this! For all that they do so well, discharge I think is universally a bad experience. You have to wait around forever - either for a doctor or the pharmacy or whatever. In our case all of the above. And a slight emotional breakdown on my part when the pharmacy claimed the insurance company was telling them that Leo wasn't on my policy. So I proceed to try to find my insurance company's phone number after I had left my card with the pharmacy so they could call them back to double-check - but of course I was oging to double-check too because I didn't trust the pharmacy chick. Sigh. It was, as usual, a misunderstanding on the part of the pharmacy. Turns out Leo has a name and it isn't "Baby Boy Roulston." Well at least we know that my insurance company is vigilant about fraud!

And after that we were out the door around Noon...oh wait I forgot my breast milk in the freezer! So I run back upstairs while Jay takes the car out of the parking garage and I load up a huge shopping bag with all of my frozen milk and hope that it doesn't start to thaw on the ride home. It didn't. And I always forget something. Always.

Then it was home where our loyal and loving pooches were patiently waiting for someone to let them out since it had been since yesterday at about 8 p.m. when they last were let outside by our wonderful neighbor. Poor guys. They didn't miss a beat and showered us with love regardless of our abandonment. Then they proceeded to be very sweet and gentle with Leo. Jay held Leo while letting the boys sniff the bottom of him all swaddled up. They sat and stayed on command and came in to check on this new creature Mom was fussing over in the crib. Henry has long claimed the guest bed in that room as his own and I don't think anything's going to change that. He will now simply be keeping an eye on Leo for us while he snoozes across the room.

So we're settling in fine it would seem. I'm sure there will be scary moments ahead and sleepless nights...many sleepless nights. But so far so good and Leo is doing tremendously well and seems at ease in his new surroundings.

So now it seems this blog switches to a plain old boring parenting blog! But hopefully will still provide some laughs for folks. And we'll be sure to chart Leo's progress here as well. Thanks to everyone for your ongoing love and support. We could not have gotten through these last two months without it and that is NOT overstating things. We feel incredibly lucky and grateful. Oh, and Leo just said Hi.

In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Leo's coming home Wednesday! THIS WEDNESDAY! As in 3 days from now!!! We just got the word late this morning. Presuming nothing calamitous happens in the next 48 hours, he's all ours starting Wednesday morning. We're going to do our overnight "room in" on Tuesday night and then that's it. See ya later. Nice having you here, but now it's time to go. My head is spinning. I can't believe it's going to be here already...already, as in 9 weeks later. But still! We've gotten so used to everything that it's really almost overwhelming to think about him being home! What do we do with him? When do we change his diaper? Before he eats? After he eats? When he wakes up? How exactly does this whole parenting thing work?

So he's off the feeding tube, as reported yesterday, and doing great on his on demand feedings. I think he took upwards of 70ML at one of his feeds earlier this morning. Craziness. AND he's off the oxygen! They took him off of it yesterday afternoon and he's doing great so far with it.

So we'll just be normal, boring, crazy parents of a newborn in another few days. Nothing special anymore. Can't wait. We will have lots of follow-up doctor's visits, to figure out the kidney issues and anything else lingering. But it's all outpatient stuff at this point and nothing that's keeping him from going home.

So I'll be heading outside in a few minutes to do some last minute gardening/weeding (cause who knows when I'll do that again!!) and we're installing the car seat today (car seat test for Leo will be tomorrow likely), and we're wrapping up a couple outside projects as much as we can too. And making a run for nipples...never thought I'd say that...cause I have lots of bottles but forgot the nipples. Awesome. And, and, and.

Stay tuned for what I'm sure will be several frenzied posts about our impending change in parenting status here over the next few days...Yay Leo!!

T Minus....

First off, I have to make a side comment. Jay and I watched Avatar last night (I didn't see it when it was out). And I have to say, it wasn't awful! It was actually entertaining and the effects were quite spectacular. So that was a pleasant surprise. I will say, the dialogue was fairly painful. But good nonetheless. Ok, onto today's update.

Leo is now on "on demand" feedings. No, that doesn't mean he can download movies to his crib...it does, however, mean that he no longer is fed automatically every 3 hours. He is now fed when he's hungry! Imagine that! Just like a regular newborn. So it could be every 2, 3 or 4 hours. They won't go more than 4 hours even if he hasn't been making noises that he's hungry. So as a result, they've removed his feeding tube since each feeding now needs to be on a nipple of some sort. This is a very big move for him because if he does well this is the fast track to high-tailing it out of there and on home. It's conceivable now that if he does well he could, in fact, be home next weekend on his due date.

He was also weened further on the oxygen front today. So he's on the lowest whiff possible before they shut it off altogether. Hopefully sometime this week he'll be off the O2 altogether. Yippee!!

So this means that Jay and I will be doing our "room in" overnight training session sometime this week...presuming he continues to do well and doesn't have a setback. Let the learning (and comedy) begin. So this is where Jay and I sleep over at the hospital, Leo's in our room and we take care of him all night, as we will when he's home. The nurses are there for emergencies only. Training wheels if you will. This could be any night in the next few days. It's all just fast and furious now. And all because we asked! It's funny what happens when you start to advocate for your care. Crazy. I just happened to mention today to the nurse "what would happen if we went off of the protocol and went to on demand feedings?" And she said "well, I think we could do that. How about starting today?" Um, ok. Thanks for proactively offering there chief. Sorry, putting away the snark.

And here are a few more pictures from this morning. Check him out in his newborn sized clothes!! The preemie stuff doesn't fit anymore. Craziness. He's all of 5 lbs, 10 ounces now. Slowly getting towards 6. Go Leo!

Grumpy Pants

I was kind of a Debbie Downer in that last post. Not that I'm any less anxious to get him home than I was this morning but I had a great visit with Leo this morning which helped ease my frustration a bit. He took nearly a full feed from me for the first time! He's taken full bottles but not a full feed from me yet. So that was a big, big achievement for the little guy. Yay Leo!!!

I also ran into the Mom of Leo's NICU buddy and it was great to talk to other parents who are feeling the same frustration we are about how slow it takes to get these guys up on full feeds and home. So we had a great chat about the whole thing and that helped too. So I'm feeling better, not as grumpy, and now the house is being cleaned and that always makes me happy - particularly when I'm not the one cleaning. Wee.

Impatient!!!

I feel like a little kid who can't wait to open their gifts on Christmas. I'm so, so, so DONE with the hospital. They're wonderful and they saved Leo's life and have given him all the support he needed to grow - blah, blah, blah. But I'm done. I want him home. I don't want to drive to and from the hospital twice a day. I want to give him a bottle at home. Without wires. I don't know why all of a sudden the impatience has come on like a ton of bricks this morning. But it's here and it's not letting go and I'm trying very hard not to be frustrated and annoyed that things aren't moving along quicker.

The nurse practitioner told me yesterday it's unlikely he'll be home by his due date. I didn't push to find out when she thinks he'll be home. I'm just trying to be hopeful that it'll be as close to that magical May 29 date as possible. He's a slow mover. A deliberate boy it seems. He's taking his time getting up on his weight and learning to eat. He's doing really well, but he's taking his time. And unless he has a crazy growth spurt and eating jump this week he's gonna need more time to get ready to be home. And of course I don't want to rush it...I just want it to be here already. And I'm also trying not to turn into the annoying Mom in the ISCU who thinks she knows better than the nurses..."why aren't you trying to feed him more overnight? Give him another bottle, he can take it!" It'll happen soon enough I'm sure. And things are good so I'm happy for that. But for a control freak who plans everything in her life, I'm hitting the wall.

Ok, enough of this - off to the hospital! Sigh.

Getting Ready

Leo's weekly labs came back and things are still looking great. His direct billirubin level continues to come down. He's at 3.6 right now - down from upwards of 6 in weeks past. Ideally it'll be at or around 0 so he still has to get it down, but we're moving in the right direction. And he's making lots of red blood cells, again good. All in all he's leveling out nicely. He just needs to pack on the pounds. The doctors would like him to have another 1-1.5lbs on him so that he has the strength to really thrive on all fronts - breathing on his own, eating, etc. He's at 5 lbs, 6.8 ounces today. So we just have to continue to be patient.

And I learned today that 90% or more of the kids who make a visit through the NICU and ISCU go home eating a mix of formula and breast milk. Leo started on a combo of formula and breast milk a couple weeks back to help with his billirubin levels and his weight gain. There are added quantities of fats, calcium, phosphorous, etc. that breast milk doesn't have that these guys really need. So it's not uncommon for them to be on a mixture of the two (or exclusively on formula) for months. So we'll be doing lots of mixing and measuring when we get home. I think I thought he'd be exclusively on breast milk once he was home, so this is somewhat frustrating, given my supply is staying really high. When you work so hard to get your supply up and then you can only use it half of the time, it's a little annoying. But, as with all things related to this experience, it's for the best and all will work out.

We had a visit from the speech therapist yesterday who helped with some suggestions for more optimal feeding positions for Leo. Seems odd that a speech therapist would be telling us how we should feed him, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She's focused on how his mouth is working - how his tongue is laying down in his mouth, the strength with which he's sucking, how wide he's opening his mouth, cheek strength, etc. And it really does make a difference for these little guys how you hold them during nursing or bottle-feeding. If their heads are too far back they'll be more strained in their breathing which can cause them to desat or stop breathing or just work harder than they should which will tire them out which means they won't eat as much as they need to for growth. Again with the simple equations. So we're trying sort of a modified football hold with Leo. We hold him tucked against our side with his feet essentially under our arm and his body in line with his head - but on his side, not his back. So if he gets too much milk it'll just pool in his cheek, not rush to the back of his throat. And at this morning's feeding I have to say he did awesome with me. I already noticed a difference in him not having to work as hard and therefore being able to take more. And we noticed it last night too at his bottle feeding. Hooray! Hopefully this technique will help him bulk up a little quicker - and get him home sooner!!! It's all about getting him home. We're so excited we can hardly stand it. Scared...but mostly excited.

And now...as promised, some new photos. These were from the weekend, some of Leo and Momma, and one that makes us laugh - Leo being burped: close-up! It's pretty funny stuff when we do that to him.

Countdown

So I probably shouldn't be in countdown mode...I'm destined to be disappointed...but I can't help myself. The nurse practitioner yesterday suggested that Leo should be home by his due date...that's in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course she can't guarantee anything, and it's all up to him to get his eating skills up, and he might come home with the oxygen tank if he still needs a bit of a boost there, but still. The fact that they're actually giving us some sense of a timeline means good things. They don't offer that stuff up unless they're confident. And commence happy dance.

So now begins our frantic work to get the house ready...not the basement, that ship has sailed and we'll get it done when we get it done. My guess is when Leo's 10. Just kidding. I hope. But just getting the little stuff in order - assembling and installing and checking the car seat, getting the co-sleeper/bassinet set up, making sure our diaper and other supplies are fully stocked (thanks to awesome friends and family I think we're good!), fix stupid little things upstairs like the creaky bedroom door and slow shower drain, etc., etc. Can you tell I plan things for a living? I'm going into full PR Launch checklist mode. I think somewhere over the past 8 weeks we forgot that time marches on and, as suspected, the possibility of him coming home is upon us before we even knew it. This is a good problem to have!!! But still...let the obsessing begin.

Oh and we met our pediatrician yesterday. She's great. Kind of high strung/crazy, but in a good way. The way that really smart and capable people are. And, interestingly, she balances said crazy with a remarkably down to earth and low-stress approach to treating kids. Because after what we've been through with him, we don't need a high stress doctor. We talked about our fear and expectation that we have to basically keep Leo away from everyone and everything for the next year. And she told us that just wasn't so. Yes we need to have some common sense, if Aunt Susie is hacking her lungs up, for example, we probably shouldn't bring little Leo around. But having folks visit, taking him places (not the mall during the first month, you get the idea), and even possibly our original plan of in-home daycare down the street (vs. scrambling to find a nanny) should all be fine. Again, within reason. So she painted a very different picture of our immediate future with Leo than we had in our heads from the NICU staff. Which makes sense I suppose. The NICU is supposed to be more conservative, etc. - that's why they do such a great job with the babies. But we don't live in the NICU and it sounds like we don't have to make ourselves crazy or miserable worrying about exposing Leo to stuff. She definitely thinks that having the summer months for him to get stronger and grow, ahead of flu season, will be hugely helpful. YAY!

Jay just fixed the slow drain in the shower - check! And now we're off to see the little guy. And it's sunny again. ONWARD!

Sunshine

What a stretch of weather we're having! I sound like an old lady...but it's really great!!! So I'm blogging from the back deck today...amidst the thriving Leo Tree and tomato plants and herbs and petunias and, and, and. Leo's FIVE POUNDS!!! WOOT! He's filling out all over and his direct billirubin levels continue to come down! So his liver and gall bladder work! Hooray!!! So now all we're really working on is eating. He hasn't had any breathing events in 11 days (that's one of his two criteria for going home, eating's the other) so now it's all about getting him off the feeding tube and onto a bottle or boob for 8 feedings a day. He's taken a full bottle here and there, but nothing consistent yet. He just has to keep growing so he gets his strength up so he has the energy to eat. And that takes time. A very simple equation really.

Last night was infant CPR class, and man was it worth it. I highly encourage every new parent out there, grandparent, caregiver - whoever - to take it. Really helps you feel more confident if, heaven forbid, something should happen. Tomorrow we meet our new pediatrician, and at some point here in the next couple of weeks we need to install our car seat and have it checked out. It's crazy how fast 7 weeks goes by and we're really seriously starting to talk about when Leo gets discharged...it's really going to happen! And probably fairly soon! Craziness!

Tonight it's wild salmon on the grill. Ah yes, this is why I moved here. I remember now. Happy Thursday all!

In Training

I feel like everyone in the family is in training for Leo coming home...especially Leo! He will continue to learn to nurse and eat more and more on his own, ween off his oxygen, get over this urinary tract infection, rest and grow. And he's doing a great job at those things. He took nearly an ounce this morning from me...he's only done that well on the bottle so far, so it was a great development. And he's up to 4 lbs, 14 ounces today. Closing in on 5 lbs! And no breathing events. So he really is doing great. Leo training - check!

The dogs are also in training for Leo's homecoming...they just don't know it. We bought a training tool to get them to stop the nuisance barking they are so very good at. And all I can say is...awesome. It's a small speaker-looking device that sits in the living room on top of our bookcase and is plugged into the wall. When it's on, it picks up on any barking within a 500 square foot range and emits an annoying sound only the boys can hear. I plugged it in this morning for the first time and I haven't heard a peep out of them all day. Dog training - check!

And Dad's in some training as well...we're trying to get the snoring under control before little guy is snoozing next to us in the bassinet. And my wonderful husband agreed to try what is essentially a mouth guard that pulls his jaw forward to keep the airway open so that you don't snore. It's pretty funky, but it works! And I love that he's willing to try. Dad training - check!

So the next logical question is what am I doing to get ready for Leo? Nothing because I'm perfect! Ha, just kidding. I'll need to come up with something...maybe the pumping can count as training? Yeah that's it. Momma training - check!

And it's sunny today, so this is making me happy. I love looking out the window and seeing the Leo tree and all our other potted veggies and herbs. It's really starting to feel summery, and I'm getting more excited each day for when the little man will be home. Yay!

New Beginnings

Day one in the ISCU! And...it's pretty much the same as the NICU! Just kidding...but I do have to say that one of the things I was struck by this morning as I strolled into the second floor to see our guy, was how different and yet familiar it all felt. The ISCU (Infant Special Care Unit) definitely feels more like a "ward" - not quite as cocoon-like as the NICU. It's bigger, more spread out, and it's not uncommon to walk into one of the multi-bed rooms and not see a nurse. So in that sense, it's somewhat of an adjustment. But at the same time, this is all good stuff because it means that Leo doesn't need the constant care and supervision of the NICU. He can hang out in his crib, on his own without incident. So from that perspective, I actually like the ISCU better. It's easier to allow yourself to believe - really believe - that things will turn out OK and he will come home soon. Of course there are no guarantees, but just getting out of the intensive care unit does wonders for our perspective.

AND, today's update is that Leo took another full bottle last night! So now he's up to three "nipplings" (sorry guys, that's what they call it!) a day. This is really his big focus now that he's in the ISCU - getting up on his nipplings (i.e. either a bottle or a boob) so that he's fully off of the feeding tube. Cause he can't go home with the feeding tube. So this is all good progress. And, he's up to 4 lbs, 13 ounces! Getting close to 5 lbs everyday. That's like normal baby size! Yippee!!!

First Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there, not the least of which is my own. As my brother pointed out to me, one of the silver linings of this whole Leo coming early thing is that I get an extra Mother's Day out of it! And it was one heck of a first Mom's Day.

First off, Leo moved down to the ISCU today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's now a resident of the second floor, moving onto his next phase of growing before finally coming home. The staff had been telling us it was coming for days now and when we showed up this morning at the hospital we got the big news, that it was happening today. And to make it even better, Leo had an amazingly good feed with me and then went on this afternoon to take a full bottle for the first time!!!!!!!!!! Can I get a woot?! Here's a couple of photos of today, Grandma Nancy came out from Spokane for the weekend and got to hold him this morning.




And then, it was back home where my amazing husband gave me the best possible first Mother's Day gift I could imagine. Jay got us a tree...not just any tree, but a gorgeous Coral Bark Maple that we've been wanting for a while. The tree is Leo's tree, Jay says. We can look at it and watch it grow and become healthy and beautiful, just like our little guy. Needless to say this sort of thoughtfulness makes a crazy post-partum woman get a little weepy. And all I can say is that my husband rocks. And I cannot wait to watch this tree, planted in an old wine barrel, grow and thrive in our backyard for years to come...not unlike a certain little boy.

Happy Mother's Day, and here's to the next phase.